我突然心里很难过，觉得这一生似乎注定了颠簸，找不到归宿。一瞬间，我似乎可以理解到，为什么人们会信命信佛。未来是这样不可测，随着岁月的流失，期待会变成迫切，之而是不安，恐慌，甚至失落

今天突然很想家。。不想yr，不想私情，纯纯粹粹地想家，而且不想告诉任何人，也不想让人知晓。或许有的时候人真的是需要隐私，需要距离的。看着几年前回家时拍的照片，冷风涩涩地北京的天。真想回家，就这样，没有任何贪念和奢望地，找一份平静的工作，猫在角落里，过最普通不过的生活。不提我曾经出过国，留过洋。我就是个，胡同里生，居民区楼房里长大的普通北京妞。我不要不要跟国际大都市，跨国集团有什么关系。我可不可以回去，就在航天部，一个还算过得去的研究所里，作我普普通通的研究员。。。为什么，我要这样有走漂泊，这究竟对我有了什么好。

离了，居然比结婚的时候还要开心。人的心情真是不可思议。这种没有顾虑的快乐竟然是这样得来的。我想用来之不易来形容，想想又觉得用词不够确切，而且诡异得很。原来顾虑他人的感受太多不但会慢慢失去自我，还会忘记快乐的真正体会。人越成熟，越复杂。让我们都做简单的细胞单体吧。

我无法改变你的想法，也控制不了你的神经。我只知道我想做什么，作决定的一刻是认真的。我无法控制将来，也只能面对现在。如果你有顾虑，请告诉我，让我的生活变得简单。我会为此表示感激，并开心的离去。因为毕竟在某个瞬间，我拥有过无数的开心。

点上一柱香。我知道这是卖可最喜欢的味道。眼泪不经意刷地就流了下来。外面有钱人在开party,请了摇滚的乐队，刚好唱的是激情而伤感的歌。分手，离婚。这也许是我们必须经过的过程，是我们不可避免的成长阶梯。

it's been three years since the last blog here. Obviously, I survived in America and got my first job offer in that little town where we were married in 2008. Now I made my way to Chicago, the favorite town of mine in the entire USA by the end of 2007. Though, I have never been to San Fransisco, where most Asian people reside, I might just be bias. That's alright, another excuse to change my mind in the future.

we had concurred all those minor things in the life, but my dear hubby and I didn't crack everything difficulties in our life. Our marriage is heading toward the end, by now, we have been separated for eight months. He has earned his DMA and is developing a fair gig scene in Seattle. Not that I hate the Seattle, I actually love it, but I do love my dear job here in Chicago now. It offers me so much that I would rather stay and have fun here.

The old me is coming back, I am taking chance to enjoy the short summer here and had chance to travel overseas on business. I started to read books, which haven't happen in the last three years during our marriage. Indeed, I have suffered, from the marriage, especially this unpredictable breaking up. I have realized myself a lot, and we have grown up together. But the pain just won't go away, the fact is shouting loudly enough that I cannot bear imperfection.

GMAT

i got married with mike but i am not happy, not at all. not even a little bit. i am bored at home, wait for the chance to get a interview, a phonecall, a email, a job offer. i asked him to ask his mom to co-sponsor me. I am not sure whether it's a good thing to do. i dont like this marriage. not at all. we stop listening to each other for a long time, except sex, everything sucks. we both agree with that, I was joking, but today it is the truth. I cannot say that i dont love him anymore and want to leave him. I still love him but I also want to runaway, madly want it.
it's just because we are so poor, there are barely nothing we can change this situation. I got 2000 bucks from mom and told her I am gonna to use it for a vacation, but I know it is not true. I have to save it for much more important thing, the GC application fee.

I decide to work on GMAT to distract myself a little bit. Now I am counting the days to make myself feel better, I dont know whom I should talk to in reference to this issue. I dont know how to solve it. I probably will never know.